Jan 232015
One day there was a lady called Jasmin. She worked in a zoo. It was jasmins daughters birthday. Jasmins daughter was called olivia . She loved animals. so she asked here mum if she couled have here paty in a zoo. so here mum said ” yes”.
1 month later
It was now olivias birthday party there was a magician,pass the pasel, circus, musical statchuse and other games. Then it was time to see the animals. So Jasmin said do not touch the animals because there dangeres. Just then one of the children opened a lion cage,Without jasmin knowing. But then we could here Jasmin shouting “what was that I could feel”? oh no a lion is out of its cage…
Well done Meagan! This was exciting and I really like that you left the story on a cliffhanger at the end! It makes me want to know what happens next! I highlighted some really good bits in bold.
To make it even better you could have joined the ‘one month later’ to the next sentence to make a really good sentence opener. Also try not to use ‘so’ too much to open your sentences. Can you think of openers you could have used instead?
Well done!! 🙂
Miss Speake